Funnies

        27 Dec 2012, 8:08 pm

        Untitled by Tiamari

        These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.

        Q: Are you sexually active?
        A: No, I just lie there.

        Q: What is your date of birth?
        A: July 15th.
        Q: What year?
        A: Every year.

        Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
        A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

        Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
        A: Yes.
        Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
        A: I forget.
        Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

        Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
        A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
        Q: How long has he lived with you?
        A: Forty-five years.

        Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
        A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
        Q: And why did that upset you?
        A: My name is Susan.

        Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
        A: We both do.
        Q: Voodoo?
        A: We do.
        Q: You do?
        A: Yes, voodoo.

        Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

        Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

        Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

        Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
        A: Yes.
        Q: And what were you doing at that time?

        Q: She had three children, right?
        A: Yes.
        Q: How many were boys?
        A: None.
        Q: Were there any girls?

        Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
        A: By death.
        Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

        Q: Can you describe the individual?
        A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
        Q: Was this a male, or a female?

        Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
        A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

        Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
        A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

        Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
        A: Oral.

        Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
        A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
        Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
        A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

        Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

        Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
        A: No.
        Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
        A: No.
        Q: Did you check for breathing?
        A: No.
        Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
        A: No.
        Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
        A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
        Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
        A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

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