(What’s wrong with them, and why all men are boring in bed)
Up to 18
Too excited - Coming in his pants before he got her clothes off…
Having read 2 dozen sex instruction manuals, he’s now heard of the clitoris and makes a frantic attack on it (or wherever he THINKS it might be), He will continue this little exercise for 9 hours or more – long after the girl got bored and left the room.
Our boy has now reached a nice maturity level. He is quite able to strike a balance between penetration and clit stimulation, as well as between passionate and romantic sex.
However, he is still a bit over-motivated, and very “eager to please”. This can turn any sexual encounter into a marathon, which, though theoretically something good, if done on every single encounter, will bore even the most adventurous female.
By now he is pretty bored of sex himself, and he throws himself into his career. He has turned into a professional “yuppy” and will have sex only out of a sense of duty, while the girl is pulling out her hair from extreme frustration.
At this point he got over the career stage. Now he wants a family and he wants it NOW! So he convinces the first girl he bumps into to marry him (or live with him) and have a baby.
Sex has a new purpose now (to conceive) but it also brings back a new excitement and he gets all inspired and kinky – usually WAY TOO kinky – so much so that sex becomes totally absurd and plain ridiculous.
Our man is now at the fanatic exercise stage. He went to the local corner shop the other day and the sexy teenager behind the counter called him “uncle”, so he made a bee-line for the gym. He snacks on nuts and smoothies and cycles in his free time. He gets up at 5 in the morning and does 300 sit-ups before he kicks the cat.
Sex is ok, as long as he is able to sneak in a few push-ups while he is “on top”. He also tries to look in the mirror while he does that.
If the “weaker sex” makes a suggestion in bed, he takes offence since he is absolutely convinced that he is an expert at sex (and everything else), “so what has she got to complain about anyway!”
Mr “Braaivleis and Beer” has by now given up on exercise altogether (couldn’t get rid of the flab around his middle, no matter how many abs tricks he tried).
He made peace with the fact that the hot little bartender at his favorite pub will never sleep with him, and he long since given up on fantasizing about teenagers.
Sex with his wife is strained. He gets on just long enough to satisfy himself. The woman (herself only 40 and at her sexual peak) is climbing the walls! She finds herself a cute 24 year-old play-thing and has her fun while he hangs out with his drinking buddies.
Now a dirty old man, he spends more time on porn sites than in bed. By now his wife doesn’t mind it though, because his pot belly doesn’t allow much action in the bedroom anyway. Besides, she got used to his inability to satisfy her and she is keeping herself busy.
The only mention of sex is in the phrase “Fuck you!” – which he uses as defense whenever she makes sharp sarcastic remarks about his supposed manhood.
The dirty old man has turned into a DESPERATE dirty old man. He will make sexual remarks in the most inappropriate situations, embarrassing everyone but himself. He honestly doesn’t realize that 16-year old girls don’t find him desirable. He also innocently thinks that all women have been playing hard-to-get the last decade or so.
Sadly, he also doesn’t realize that he actually forgotten how to have sex anyway. His idea of sex is something to the effect of sitting in front of the TV, “remote” in hand, and somewhere between halftime and the whistle, he might (or might not) get an erection.
Oops! No erection! Panic-stricken, our man suffers through a few agonizing nights, lying awake and remembering the good old days. He eventually also remembers the internet and discovers Viagra. Armed with a packet of the “magic muti” he assaults his poor wife with a newly found vigor for sexual activity.
She fears that he might die on top of her, but a long forgotten hope flares up in her again, so she gives it a shot, only to find that he wasn’t planning to get “on top” anyway. He is way too lazy for that. All he really wanted was to know that he CAN still have an erection. It would of course be a bonus to get a blow-job from the old hag too, if she would care to take out the teeth of course.
He retires. From everything. Including sex.
(written by Tiamari)
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